Monday, September 11, 2006

How do you know so much?

I got this humbling letter over the weekend from Colin Handyfin, one of my many fans:

"Dear Honorable Gentleman Lampshire,

You might know me. I just have a slight question for you, as you are clearly a very smart man. How do you know your questioners names? They sign their letters with their first name, then some adjective following "the." Yet in introducing the letters, you state their full name. How do you know their full name?

Thank you. I look forward to reading your response.

Colin the confused."

Colin, Colin, Colin Matthew Handyfin, please read my answer with the utmost care. First of all, I don't know you. Who do you think I am, someone who knows you? Well, I'm not.

I am glad you realize how smart I am as most people do when I say some random deep philosophical thing walking down the street like "nothing really is something, isn't it?" I always impress the ladies when I say "oh, you wouldn't understand, it's such a lofty thought even for us superior beings!"

Anyway, the answer to your question is: return addresses! Just think of Occam's Razorblade: the most simplest answer is the right one. Thus what's the simplest answer to your question? Return addresses of courses.

But I already know what you're going to ask next... "what if there is no return address?" Well, the answer is still simple: the phone book! I just track the city where the email came from, then I look up all the people with that certain firstname in a phone book. Then I give them a prank call and use my artificial intelligence to analyze the grammatical structures of their response and match it with the right person. Sometimes the process can take a few seconds. Sometimes it takes years and I have to put the letter in a safe place like under a rock in the garden. But no matter how long it takes, I always find out a lot with simple methods as I have just described.

I'd like to go ahead and take the opportunity to answer another question I get a lot: how do I know so much? Well, I guess I was just born with some sort of natural ability to know things. It's a gift, and I think it is my duty to share it to the world. You see, when I was in grade school, I would sometimes draw pictures and all the grown ups who saw it would say "wow, good job!" I knew from an early age I was a prodigy. To make the long story short, one thing led to another, and here I am.

Thanks for your question! Remember boys and girls, don't let the baby ducks walk over the storm drains. You can email your questions to I hope you understand more about how I work now, Colin the dunderhead.


At 9:20 PM, x.x said...

You liar! You edited that! And you got my name wrong!

Secondly, there is no return address on e-mails, the only way you have listed to recieve questions! Your a liar, Lampshire. A liar.

Colin Hannifin

At 10:45 AM, Christopher Lampshire said...

Well, I had to make it funny. It's not really a lie, it's more of an alternate truth.


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