Friday, September 15, 2006

How do you play golf?

I got this email from Fred Burper regarding the game of golf:

"Dear Mr. Lampshire,

I want to be considered an athlete, but I really don't want to do anything physical. I tried bowling, but the balls were too heavy and my fingers kept slipping so I kept getting gutter balls. I think golf would therefore be the ideal sport for me. After all, I enjoy put-put.

But... how do you play golf? All I know is that it's just like put-put except the ball goes up in the air when it's hit and the hole is farther away and sometimes there is sand.

Thanks for helping me out. I can't wait to tell girls that I am an athlete and maybe flex or something.

Fred the athlete wannabe."

Well, Fred, you are wrong on so many levels, I don't know where to begin! First of all, you could just consider yourself an athlete of the mind like I do by playing chess in the park. That is not physically physical, but it is mentally physical, which is actually better for you. When you get real nervous in chess, you sweat and breath heavily, kind of like running, except you don't have to move your legs (but you can if you want). However, to get nervous you have to play against someone that would make you nervous, like a celebrity, perhaps Roger Ebert or Seinfeld or that young kid actor who got arrested for drugs... since I don't know any celebrities I just use my imagination. Oprah keeps beating me!

Now, to a more important point. Put-put and golf are even more different than you say! Put-put includes obstacles, like windmills with super-large turny things that hit the ball away from the tiny hole. More importantly, here are my reasons that you should not play golf:

  • It looks silly if you are playing golf and you do not have grey hair or are a celebrity. Otherwise, you just look like some punk kid who's trying to be something he's not: cool like me.
  • It's hard to keep your eye on the ball as it flies through the air because it is so small and the sky is so big.
  • It's easy to cheat. Watch "Goldfinger" ... he cheats.
  • Those little cars look like fun to drive, but there are no traffic lights, so it is more likely you will crash, die, and/or get crushed by other drivers.
  • Carrying that black thing with all the sticks in it is hard work. You can get someone to do it for you, but then people might think you have a slave and report you to the police or the government, since slavery is illegal now.
What should you play instead of golf? I already mentioned chess, but you could also try hopscotch. It's not making a come back, but you could try to make it make a come back... start a local hopscotch club, website, and blog. Write a book on hopscotch. You could also invent a new sport: pogostick hopscotch. That would be fun. I wouldn't play it, but it would be fun to watch other people play it. You could organize local tournaments and get people to pay to get in. Then you can offer refreshments like water and ice and make even more money. My other idea is bowling with egg-shaped balls.

Well, I hope this helps. Remember boys and girls, you can help populate the worm community by cutting worms in half. You can email your questions at Thanks for your question and happy hopscotching, Fred the dunderhead.


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