Thursday, January 31, 2008

What makes shoes good?

I haven't been getting letters lately because I'm not very popular, but recently I found this letter in the mail box which I forgot to check for a year.

The letter reads:

"Dear Chris,

Dude, help me out, man. I just stole a credit card and I'm on the run, and I want to spend someone else's money I now have on shoes, because they're so expensive.

At first I thought I would just buy the most expensive pair, but then I decided to look for the most comforting, and then I thought looks were most important... obviously I just can't decide!

Can you please tell me what opinions to have so I don't have to form my own and risk thinking I am wrong?

Thanks. And please hurry up. They're coming to take me away, he-he.

Jake Glopplodolop the bandit! He-he!"

Don't steal credit cards! Can't you earn a living respectably? The kind of people who steal are the kind of people who commit crimes. Do you want to end up like someone in jail? You'll have to eat gruel and where silly clothes and not be able to check your email. Look, if you want something, you work for it. America was built on the backs of people who worked or whipped people who worked for them. The point is clear: work. Now I'm serious about this, eh-k? I don't want to catch you stealing credit cards anymore.

That said, credit cards are irrational. They reduce the spending of money to digital transactions, which is kind of cheating. Money is supposed to be the exchange of bank notes, not the exchange of computer bits and stuff.

But I guess I should just answer your stupid question about shoes. Shoes. OMG shoes.

The three things to consider are in fact the color of the shoes, the kind of shoe laces they have, and the weight of the shoe. Most people ignore these, because they are dumb.

Color: Before there was affirmative action for shoes, a lot of colors, like pink and blue, suffered. Shoe color prejudice still rears its ugly to this day, but most people are not prejudice anymore. We know this because they say that they aren't. That said, despite the evils of shoe color prejudice, some colors are better than others. Pink, for example, just looks stupid. The way to choose a good color is to take a picture of it, look at its corresponding color histogram, evaluate the differences in contrast, compare that to the curve of the histogram, objectively syncopate the time relative differences with the neurological divisions of pi squared and f to the imaginary 1 over the color with the highest frequency integrated and modulated by the curve of the receptors found in the brightness, divide by two and subtract your original number. I bet the number you ended up with is four!

Shoelaces: Oh, what a tangled web we weave. Heh. That's one of my favorite quotes, even if you're to dumb to know what it's from. It's from a play. I can't remember the name of it, though. Anyway, shoelaces are important; they are what keep the shoes on your feet. You basically want to look for the kind of laces which will be tight, but which won't constrict the flow of blood. Tight shoe laces often cause heart attacks because of poor blood circulation (but after the person dies, nobody thinks to look at the feet!). I believe the thinner the laces, the better, kind of like what some people think about people. The best kind of shoe lace would be a single strand of human hair, but that usually breaks. Floss would also be nice, but that breaks too, I've tried. So just take a ruler with you to the store and measure the laces. (Of course, first make sure your ruler is the right length by measuring it with another ruler.)

Weight: Weight, love, weight. Heavy shoes will make it harder to run, harder to walk, hard to stand in one place while lifting one foot off the ground (which I see people do a lot these days, it's a new style for us hip people). But light shoes will make you run too fast. So... a compromise is needed. Put the shoe on your head and leave it there for one hour (or more if you can). Afterwards, measure how low the shoe pressed your hair down. (If you are bald, it is suggested by doctors and scientists and people who are smarter than you because they have degrees, that you use the head of a friend. Equally acceptable is to glue yarn to your head and use that for the experiment, but make sure it is red or blue yarn, the dyes from other kinds of yarn can seep into your skin and poison your mind, changing your eating habits. If you wear a wig, you're out of luck (and hair).) The shoe should press your hair halfway down. More, and it's too heavy. Less, and it's too light. Of course, the perfect shoe is hard to come by, so you will have to try shoes on your head for a couple weeks to give each shoe enough time. It is worthwhile to even try this experiment with shoes that don't fit because it will help exercise your hair, which can prevent baldness and dandruff.

That's all I have to say about shoes. Remember kids, the word "shoe" comes from the meaning "to go away". I think, at least. Shoe! Shoe! He he he.

Thanks for your question, Jake. You are a stupid dunderhead.