What should I buy with $100?

Vincent Bronswall emailed me this interesting question a few nights ago:

"Dear Mr. Lampshire,

I am fourteen years old. My parents just gave me $100 because they are rich and I am an only child who gets all the attention and never has to do any chores. I was wondering, Mr. Lampshire, how should I spend my new small fortune? I want to buy something, I just don't know what? What would you do with so much darn money?!

Thanks,

Vincent the wealthy."

Vincent, dear boy, you think $100 is a lot?! That's hardly anything; that's like pennies... actually I am supposed to be from the UK so I guess that's like... um... shillings? The point is this, you're not rich and you're not wealthy. So first you've got to get over it.

Now I went out to some shops and even though everything is in pounds here, I used the conversion factor and found some stuff that was $100. Here are your options:

• Half of a math textbook
• $100 worth of British currency
• 200 candy bars
• An old dying purebred dog
• An already dead purebred horse
• An online degree according to this new email I just got
• A laptop meant for poor foreign children

Well, that's it, take your pick. Don't waste your money on something like a computer game or a video game because then you'll just pass it, and then what? You'll be back to square one. So just pick something from the above list. I would highly recommend half of the math textbook because then you can get ahead in your studies, or at least half ahead. Think about it. You're at school (or in your living room because you're a spoiled homeschooled little moron) and the teacher says "What is the answer to this really complex question, students?!" and then you can say "the answer is this!" She will be so impressed and then she will look in her answer book to make sure. And then she will pick out her favorite problems to give you as homework and you will spend hours doing it and the next day she will say "well, I hope you got something out of that because now I have to go through this huge big stack of papers and compare your answers to the answers in my teacher edition. It will be so hard, poor me, I can't wait until teacher appreciation day, nobody likes me, boohoo."

Anyway, I hope this answers your question. And if you're parents are reading this blog, don't you think it's time your dumb little son had a sibling? Get to work.

Remember, folks, email me your questions at lampshire@wizardwalk.com!

Thanks for your question and happy spending, Vincent the dunderhead.