Saturday, September 09, 2006

What should I eat for dinner?

Here's an email from Betsy Bellyflop. I just found this email in my desk drawer in the "Really Stupid" pile:

"Dear Mr. Lampshire,

Hello! How are you? What time is it there? It is almost midnight here. It is late and I have not eaten dinner yet. What should I eat? I don't want to eat the wrong thing. I will eat nothing until I hear your reply.

Your forever,

Betsy the starving."

I've been holding on to this email for four years, and I finally now have time to answer it. Betsy, let's keep in mind that a well-balanced meal is more important than good tastes, so try to make all your food choices weigh the same. He he he! Just kidding. But seriously, let's try to base your supper upon the food pyramid, which is actually just a triangle because it is two dimensional. If it were three dimensional you'd either need a physical model of it or 3D glasses to see it.

The food triangle says you should eat 6-11 servings of bread and rice, so I would recommend 3 loaves of bread and 3 grains of rice to start off with. That will make 6 servings. Remember, if you eat too much you will die, and this defeats the entire purpose of eating. Moving on, you need 3-5 servings of vegetables and 3-5 servings of fruit, so I recommend 3 tomatos and 3 bananas. We're halfway up the triangle! Next, 2 cups of milk and 2 dry beans will take care of whatever food groups those are supposed to be in, and lastly a bit of sugar. I recommend a spoonful of sugar, but not too much or you will have too much energy and will get so excited that you might try to cross the road without looking both ways and get run over by a truck or something.

So let's review your dinner:

  • 3 loaves of bread
  • 3 grains of rice
  • 3 tomatos
  • 3 bananas
  • 2 dry beans
  • 2 cups of milk
  • 1 spoonful of sugar
Since you will probably need to hurry up and eat this since you have lots of work to do, just put it all in a blender and add some water to make it more flowy. Then, put it in a cup and drink really fast before you taste it too much, since tasting it will make you want to kill yourself. Then write a letter to that old guy on TV who sells the blenders by blending all the crap he can find and drinking just one sip of it and talking about how it made him live to be over a hundred years old and say that you will follow in his footsteps because you were somehow able to gulp down an almost predigested dinner yourself.

Also, you should probably have this as your main meal for each meal for the rest of your life.

Thanks for the question, Betsy! Remember boys and girls to stay safe and don't play with fire lighters. You can email me your questions at lampshire@wizardwalk.com. I would love to hear from you and will treat you with at least some respect. Happy eating, Betsy the dunderhead!

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