Thursday, January 31, 2008

What makes shoes good?

I haven't been getting letters lately because I'm not very popular, but recently I found this letter in the mail box which I forgot to check for a year.

The letter reads:

"Dear Chris,

Dude, help me out, man. I just stole a credit card and I'm on the run, and I want to spend someone else's money I now have on shoes, because they're so expensive.

At first I thought I would just buy the most expensive pair, but then I decided to look for the most comforting, and then I thought looks were most important... obviously I just can't decide!

Can you please tell me what opinions to have so I don't have to form my own and risk thinking I am wrong?

Thanks. And please hurry up. They're coming to take me away, he-he.

Jake Glopplodolop the bandit! He-he!"

Don't steal credit cards! Can't you earn a living respectably? The kind of people who steal are the kind of people who commit crimes. Do you want to end up like someone in jail? You'll have to eat gruel and where silly clothes and not be able to check your email. Look, if you want something, you work for it. America was built on the backs of people who worked or whipped people who worked for them. The point is clear: work. Now I'm serious about this, eh-k? I don't want to catch you stealing credit cards anymore.

That said, credit cards are irrational. They reduce the spending of money to digital transactions, which is kind of cheating. Money is supposed to be the exchange of bank notes, not the exchange of computer bits and stuff.

But I guess I should just answer your stupid question about shoes. Shoes. OMG shoes.

The three things to consider are in fact the color of the shoes, the kind of shoe laces they have, and the weight of the shoe. Most people ignore these, because they are dumb.

Color: Before there was affirmative action for shoes, a lot of colors, like pink and blue, suffered. Shoe color prejudice still rears its ugly to this day, but most people are not prejudice anymore. We know this because they say that they aren't. That said, despite the evils of shoe color prejudice, some colors are better than others. Pink, for example, just looks stupid. The way to choose a good color is to take a picture of it, look at its corresponding color histogram, evaluate the differences in contrast, compare that to the curve of the histogram, objectively syncopate the time relative differences with the neurological divisions of pi squared and f to the imaginary 1 over the color with the highest frequency integrated and modulated by the curve of the receptors found in the brightness, divide by two and subtract your original number. I bet the number you ended up with is four!

Shoelaces: Oh, what a tangled web we weave. Heh. That's one of my favorite quotes, even if you're to dumb to know what it's from. It's from a play. I can't remember the name of it, though. Anyway, shoelaces are important; they are what keep the shoes on your feet. You basically want to look for the kind of laces which will be tight, but which won't constrict the flow of blood. Tight shoe laces often cause heart attacks because of poor blood circulation (but after the person dies, nobody thinks to look at the feet!). I believe the thinner the laces, the better, kind of like what some people think about people. The best kind of shoe lace would be a single strand of human hair, but that usually breaks. Floss would also be nice, but that breaks too, I've tried. So just take a ruler with you to the store and measure the laces. (Of course, first make sure your ruler is the right length by measuring it with another ruler.)

Weight: Weight, love, weight. Heavy shoes will make it harder to run, harder to walk, hard to stand in one place while lifting one foot off the ground (which I see people do a lot these days, it's a new style for us hip people). But light shoes will make you run too fast. So... a compromise is needed. Put the shoe on your head and leave it there for one hour (or more if you can). Afterwards, measure how low the shoe pressed your hair down. (If you are bald, it is suggested by doctors and scientists and people who are smarter than you because they have degrees, that you use the head of a friend. Equally acceptable is to glue yarn to your head and use that for the experiment, but make sure it is red or blue yarn, the dyes from other kinds of yarn can seep into your skin and poison your mind, changing your eating habits. If you wear a wig, you're out of luck (and hair).) The shoe should press your hair halfway down. More, and it's too heavy. Less, and it's too light. Of course, the perfect shoe is hard to come by, so you will have to try shoes on your head for a couple weeks to give each shoe enough time. It is worthwhile to even try this experiment with shoes that don't fit because it will help exercise your hair, which can prevent baldness and dandruff.

That's all I have to say about shoes. Remember kids, the word "shoe" comes from the meaning "to go away". I think, at least. Shoe! Shoe! He he he.

Thanks for your question, Jake. You are a stupid dunderhead.

Friday, February 09, 2007

Should I use a comb or a brush?

I got this email on my Blackberry while I was skydiving:

"Dear C. L. (your initials),

First of all, if you just happen to be skydiving, don't let me distract you too much or you might forget to open the parachute!

Having said that, I will now write some more.

I have a comb and a hairbrush, but I'm not sure which one to use. It seems like the hair brush is just an array of combs...

I have really long hair because I'm a girl and that's the way it's supposed to be. I dye it purple so that I will stand out because I'm not special otherwise. :( But with purple hair, I'm known as 'the one with the purple hair' and that makes me feel like I have achieved something... like, dying my hair.

Anyway, my friends use brushes, but I was watching Happy Days and there is a moment when Fonzie, who is just so cool, uses a comb, and I want to be cool like him.

Your friend,
Whitney Wombletonslowlysnow the purple-haired"

First of all, Fonzie is no longer cool, that's the old days. Today, House is cool, and he doesn't use a comb, he just lets his hair stay all messed up. So you should too if you care what other people think about you.

Even if you don't care what other people think about you, it's important to go ahead and start caring so you will have some friends who will give you presents on your birthday. Remember: no friends = no birthday presents. I learned this the hard way when one year I said to all my friends "you're not my friends anymore" and then I didn't get any birthday presents, except for the ones that I didn't want anyway, like chocolate cheese.

Alright, so... let's go over both combing and brushing and then I'll tell you what it's best to do.

Combing: People started combing hair in 4958 BC. All the sudden, it was a breakthrough, like fire, except it did not kill you if you fell into it. People started combing their hair all the time. It was also around this time that the first haircut occured when people started pulling each other's hair out while combing. You have to remember, combs back then were not made of plastic since plastic didn't be invented until 1942 or something. Combs back then were made of stone, and the teeth were so sharp that the first comb was also the first saw and nail file and fork and staple and sword. They had to comb hair really carefully because the tiniest little slip up and ... BOOM ... death.

Combing then kind of died down as people stopped combing their hair.

Then there was a revival in the 1870s because that's when there was a revival. Suddenly, combs were everywhere, only now they were made out of steel because this was the beginning of the industrial age, or close enough. Combs were produced in large amounts in factories and sometimes people's fingers would get stuck in the machines and then the fingers would become part of the comb. This is actually where the term teeth originates from... when a human fell into the machine, some combs were made with actual human teeth. It sounds gross to us nowadays, but back then they were use to it so it was like blowing your nose or eating oatmeal... it seems gross but it all depends on how you look at it.

Ok, enough about combs, let's go on to brushing:

Brushing: Brushing was invented by George Brush, a controversial man who was loved and hated by many. The year was probably 1938. Before that, there were no brushes, that is only a myth invented by museums to make more money, but I don't fall for it. I went into a museum once and they were lying about everything... they would say "this statues is 3000 years old" but then I would touch it and get my hands all over it, and it wouldn't feel that old. Anyway, brushes...

George Brush did not invent the hair brush, that's a common misconception and stupid. He invented the tooth brush, and people started using it for hair because they would bring it with them to hotels but they would forget their combs. Thus they just used the tooth brush. This also made hair smell minty and made it taste better too.

So, which one should you choose? I would use a combination... a combrush! What is it exactly, you ask? It's a combination, I already said that. Here's how it works: hold the comb in one hand and hold the brush in the other. Smash them together really hard. If nothing happens, get a friend to help or several friends. Eventually the atoms of both of the objects should morph together and form the combrush. This is similar to how they make mixed breeds of horses and dogs and people.

Eh-k, that's all for now. Toot-a-lou, or toot-a-bathroom as they say in America. Remember, you can email me your questions at ... Remember boys and girls, the only wasted time is time that is spent doing something in which the time spent doing it is wasteful and don't do drugs. Thanks for your question, Whitney the dunderhead.

P.S. You shouldn't dye your hair, that's like setting a house on fire: it betrays the inner self. Your purple hair is like the fire of your passion for incompetence!

Sunday, January 28, 2007

Why is there day light savings time?

I got this email this morning as I ate crumpets and donuts:

"Dear Lampshire,

I am quite fond of your work. You seem like you know what you're talking about. I like that, I respect that. Attitude is everything, I say. Is the glass mostly empty, or a little full? You know what I mean?

I have a question for you... day light savings time. I hate it. It gets me all off track. It's like trying to sleep with a bowling ball for a pillow. So my question is: why is there daylight savings time?


Vern H. Lernydern, the tired and sad, from Chicago"

Well Vern, obviously you weren't paying attention in school, if you ever even went. I mean, this kind of stuff should be just plain common sense, but for you it's like uncommon sense! Well, I haven't insulted people for a long time, so it's hard to get back into the groove of things, but let's just go straight to the answer, eh-k?

Daylight savings time at first didn't exist. But seasons did. This was back in the 1800s about. It got cold in the winter, and hot in the summer. For a long time, people wished that the days would be shorter in winter because it was so cold, and the sooner it became night time, the sooner everybody had to go inside to go to sleep or browse the web. In the summer, though, people wanted the days to be long so they could spend more time outside playing football and/or hockey and/or ping pong.

Benjamin Franklin had suggested long ago that men create daylight savings time, but it wasn't until scientists made scientific breakthroughs that allowed us to change the time whenever we wanted. Thus daylight savings time was born. And the sun obeyed. It now changes with the seasons, even though there is actually evidence it did this even before daylight savings time.

You might say "ok, that is not very informative, but I think I get it... but where does the name come from?" Let's break it down. The keyword in the phrase is savings. What's being saved? Time? Not really. Money? Nope. What then? I'll leave this unanswered because I want my readers to do some mental exercises to help them get smart. So... go on, think about it!

You see, I'm the kind of person who likes to get people to think. Some people look at the world and say "why?" ... I look at my dreams and say "why not?" Isn't that inspiring? I think life is about... trying new things, meeting new people, sharing memories, and so on. I think it's important for everyone to ask themselves what they want to get out of life, and then I want them to pursue it. Go on, ask why, and then look for the answer.

Now, daylight savings time has had many implications on modern day society:
  • People are living longer, healthier lives
  • We are closer to discovering new things
  • Colleges are more diverse, yet somehow not racist
  • HD-DVD discs are being sold
  • Don Knotts died
  • There are still people who can play the violin
  • And other stuff too

You might say "hey, now, some of that stuff you just listed seems totally unrelated." Well, guess what? Have you ever heard of the butterfly effect? It has to do with chaos theory, and it means that just about anything effects everything... so whatever two events happen, they're somehow related. There, I taught you something new!

Remember, everyday is a gift, a beauty to behold. I'd like to share with you a short poem I wrote last night to inspire you to do great things, and then if you do great things I will be proud to know that I contributed... no... planted the seed for your greatness. Here is the poem:

The daylight softens shadows pale, and squooshed black ant, a dragon whale, and in this dark begotten night, what doth show the candle bright, hold it up to gaze within, the battle's over, the good will win.

I'd love to analyze the poem, but I'll save that for never. You can do it yourself.

Well, I hope I not only answered your question, Vern, but gave you some inspiring thoughts about life as a whole, you stupid dunderhead. Remember, all, you can email me with your questions at ... Remember, boys and girls, toe nails fall off naturally, so you don't have to clip them. Just be sure to keep socks on at all times to prevent people staring at you and your ugly toes. Eh-k, bye.

Thursday, November 30, 2006

What math course should I take?

Good day, mate! I got this in my email from a young lad, Bert Gepew from Miami. He wrote:

"Dear Mr. Lampshire,

Good morning! At least, it's morning here, but by the time you read this it might not be. Isn't that weird? Anyway, I have a question, and by the way, I like your blog, it's really far out and groovy dude. You're the bee's knees, as we cool kids say. I guess you would not understand, but hey, I gotta a question and I know you gotta a answer, you smart guy you!

Here's the question: what math course should I take in school? Here's the scenario: I just finished pre-algebra (or 'pre-al' as we cool kids say, or cool 'cats' as we sometimes call ourselves because we are just so cool), and my teacher said, "Wow, you got pretty good grades compared to all the other math grades in your life according to your permanent record. Next year you have a choice between taking Geometry, Algebra, and Ordinary Differential Equations. What do you want? Give me the answer soon, now get out of my classroom."

The problem is this: I don't know what the difference is between any of those! And since my Dad does all my math homework, I want him to have something that's easy to do yet will make me look smart to impress the ladies, knowhatimsayin'?

Also, here's another thing we cool youths say: Booyah! We got that off of TV. I am so cool.

Thanks a lot for all the service you do,

Bert the cool hip Miami dude.

P.S. Do you like basket ball, or 'b-ball' as I call it, because I am cool?"

Oh, somebody just tie me up to a railroad track and give all my money to the poor, you're so stupid! Firstly, no, you're not cool at all! Who do you think you are? America's youth is so dumb. Just watch Jay Leno's Jaywalking or the Oprah special on bad American schools... it all proves one thing: y'all so dumb! If you want to know the definition of cool, hang out with me and my Sims sometime and I'll show you the meaning of cool... in the meantime don't harass me with your condescending self-righteous definitions of what it is to be a cool cat... but you did get one thing right, I am the bee's knees... that's for sure. I'm all that and potato chips, and don't you forget it, you wee little punk.

Sorry, your stupidity made me go off topic for a while, let's get to the question: math courses. Alright, first I'll run through what these math courses are, then I'll tell you the best one for you to take, because you're too stupid to make such a decision on your own, as you've made apparent by your lack of consideration for my feelings when shoving your thoughts on what is 'cool' in my face like a three-year old that wants his shoes tied.

Geometry: it's the study of shapes. For example, a circle. You may say (and probably are saying) "Circles, they're round, what else is there?" Well, there's a lot actually. For example, what color is it? What is it's length? What are its dimensions? Do you know pi to a thousand places and got no grills but still wear braces? Also, triangles. Yes, you heard me, triangles. They are shapes to, and those are just two. Triangles have sine and cosine and tangible, and you multiply these things by numbers and get lengths and angles. It's all very hard and confusing, but of course not for me because I'm so smart. The point is: I don't have time to explain.

Algebra: Well, you're taking Pre-Algebra, right? Just take out the 'pre'. It's pretty much what you're doing now but with bigger numbers and the teacher won't let you use your calculator as much. Did you ever have to memorize the 12x12 multiplication table? Well, get ready to memorize the 20398420398x0324978039086 multiplication table. That's Numberwang! Are you scared? You should be, because you can't do it. Hardly anyone can. That's why most people fail, or the teacher just makes everything really easy so they don't get fired for failing everyone. But do you want to take the risk? Think about that, but not too much because you'll hurt your brain because you're so darn stupid.

Ordinary Differential Equations: This is definitely the one you'll want to take. It's easy! It just involves looking at ordinary equations and figuring out how they are different. I usually cross my eyes to make the images overlap and then I circle the differences. It's easy peasy one-two-threesy. Sometimes the differences are small, like the 2 is a little lopsided, or one is a different font, or one is upside-down, or one smells weird. But it's always easy to figure out and its not like you have to solve the equations!

Also, stop making your Dad do all your homework. You should have the experience for yourself because someday you might find yourself on Candid Camera answering math questions wrong because you didn't do your homework. I know, I know, you think it's just busy work, but let me tell you something. Many years ago when Americans fought the Revolutionary War, did they consider it busy work? No. What Noah built the ark, did he think it was busy work? Nope. When the RIAA sued people who copied music, did they just do it to stay busy? We'll never know, but the important thing is this: just because it might be busy work doesn't make it unworthy work, because it will still serve a purpose. I like to think of busy work as God's way of saying "Death is good."

We'll, that's the question for today. Remember, you can email me your questions at ... I might answer it if I feel like it. Remember boy and girls, you can pretend you're stuffed animals are alive when you get lonely doing math homework. Have some fun, pretend to be the teacher of your stuff animals and experience how hard it really is to pretend to know something. Booyah! Thanks for your question, Bert the dunderhead!

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

How are you?

I got this question the other day when I walked into work:

"Hi Mr. Lampshire,

How are you?

From me, Phillip the polite jolly old chap."

Phillip, I'm fine, thanks.

Well, that's all for today. Remember boys and girls, and try not to forget. Thanks for your question, Phillip the dunderhead.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Will dogs evolve into humans?

I recently got this email from Gretel Grootel from Windsor. She writes:

"Dearest Christopher of the Lampshire clan,

I bring to you good greetings and good fortune and good tidings.

I have a question I would die of happiness if you answered, for you are the wisest of them all. My dog (named Foofoo Gumdrops the Third) likes to eat people food. My question is, if all the humans in the world started feeding dogs people food, would that help them evolve into humans? I'm no dumb-dumb head, I know it would still take thousands, if not millions of years, but I think it would be worth it since dogs do whatever you tell them and don't whine, and that's how I want people to be.

Please don't call me a dunderhead, I've got some self respect, eh-k?

God bless us, everyone,

Gretel and Foofoo the hopeful"

Oh, Gretel, why torture me with your existence? You better go check on Foofoo, she's probably dead from eating your salty french fries and chocolate covered raisins, because people food is like murdering a dog with poison, you complete and utter waste of atoms. Then again, I'm not sure what you consider people food since you are obviously not much like people.

Alright, let's talk about evolution. Evolution happens when mutants are born and get married and spread the mutant genes to make a new kind of living thing. Evolution is not based on diet, but you probably already knew that but just didn't want to think about it. Actually, it could be based on diet, but only if you ate something that was mutant, like a mutant banana or a mutant strawberry. The mutant-ness of the fruit could theoritically be dissolved into your bloodstream and be absorbed by your cell. When a cell splits in a process called nuclear fission, the mutant atoms of the mutant fruit will affect the DNA splitting and cause a mutant gene to be in you.

By the way, DNA stands for Dandy Nuclear Atoms.

Believe it or not, we probably all have a few mutant genes in us right now. Have you ever felt different? Have you ever felt special? Have you ever felt like there was no else like you in the world? That's a sign of the mutant gene. You're really not that special. (No offense if that is an epiphany for you.)

Now, how can dogs evolve in to humans? In short, they can't! Of course, they could theoritically, but in principle the opposite is true. Just think, if dogs evolve into people, what will people evolve into? Apes? Don't get me started on the scientific inaccuracies of Plantet of the Apes. Science fiction movies are so dumb sometimes. Anyway, intuition tells me that humans are actually done evolving. This is the end of the road of evolution. We are the goal of the universe. The only thing left to do is die out. That may seem like a pessimistic thing to say, but it's actually what's going to happen whether you like it or not, so you might as well start liking it. It's not inherently bad. That's like when people say "is the glass half full or half empty?" and the answer is suppose to make it easier for other people to judge you. But a half empty glass is a wonderful thing! I want to drink it! *drink drink drink*

Also, if you want humans to not talk back, just give them lobotomies. That might be illegal, so ask a lawyer for assistance.

Well, I am a bit tired from all this useless chatter... I have software to develop. Remember boys and girls, you can tease cars at crosswalks by walking really slow; it's fun. Email me your questions... blah, blah, blah. Thanks for your question, Gretel the dunderhead... (and your little dog too).

Saturday, September 30, 2006

Should I be an astronaut when I grow up?

I got this letter from little Willy Winkly, a nine year old from Shrewsbury. He wants advice on his future, and I am just the person to ask since parents are biased in favor of you and I'm not. Willy writes:

"Dear Mr. L,

Howdy partner! My name is Willy, but people only pronounce it with one 'l' to save time so it's Wily. I've been lately thinking about how I should make money when I get old like you. I was playing Legos and watching Star Wars when I decided an astronaut might be a pretty cool job because you get to fly and play with floating things and see the Earth from outer space and maybe even one day meet aliens like Yoda.

My parents say that dreams are like lightning bugs... they don't wait, they fly away, and you have to catch them while you can. They said if I believe with all my heart and do my homework and eat carrots, all my dreams will come true.

What do you think? My parents have the ultimate say in my beliefs, but I just was wondering what you think since other people seem to care.


Wily the young and easily influenced."

Oh Willy, how misguided you are! Dreams are more like scorpions: you try to catch them and they sting you and make you cry and then you get so mad that you squoosh them.

Please, I am not discouraging dreams in general, just stupid dreams like wanting to be an astronaut. It's one thing if some NASA employee comes up to you and says "hey, have you considered astronautism?" but it's something different when you say "oh mummy! I want to be a space man!" Greatness cannot be achieved, it must be thrust upon you.

Weightlessness may seem like a fun idea for a while, until you realize it will induce motion sickness and you will throw up and since you will be in space it will not fall and that will be gross. Also, when someone else sneezes it will go all over you since that won't fall either. Dandruff goes everywhere. It's not pretty like it is in the movies, like Star Wars, in which gravity is magical and still works in space.

If it's fun that you're looking for because you've seen astronauts playing with their food or floating about in educational videos, think again. First of all, those videos are meant to poison your mind, and especially watch out for the nature ones that try to get you to care about frogs and rainforests by watching frogs jump around in slow motion and playing pretty music and watching the frogs eat things. Frogs jump fast and they're ugly so who cares about them? Don't buy into that kind of "nature" stuff. Anyway, the truth is being an astronaut is actually lots of work. After astronauts made those fun videos in which they are all just wasting time playing around, they got yelled at by the boss because they were supposed to be using screwdrivers on machines to fix things and do experiments, like seeing what happens when you try to mix up chocolate milk without gravity or seeing what happens when you light candles. You have to have a clip board and take notes all the time. Also, there are lots of buttons you have to push and many of them don't have good labels so you'll be confused with buttons that say things like "GRRT 4" and "RER4-49F" and then the command center will say "What does your gerfometer say?" and you will have to find that meter among hundreds of meters or just make up a number like "oh, 58 gerfos" and then if the red shiny light goes off and buzzes you will have to say "Houston, we have a problem" and the guy working in the control room that day might not be Houston. And then he will say "To save your own life, you must switch SCE to Aux" and you will say "what the heck are you talking about?!" and he will say "didn't you do training in the pool?!" and you will say "I just looked up the answers on the Internet and did not actually study for the mission" and he will not be able to fire you since you will be in space.


I know that's a lot of garble to get through, but I do have some suggestions on what you could do for a living besides becoming an astronaut:
  • Be a high school teacher
  • Work for Microsoft
  • Start your own business writing calculator manuals
I can't think of anything else right now because I am a bit tired. Sorry, I have been so busy at work lately it's hard to stay focused ducks golden shiny tree ... oops! I started drifting off there.

Alright, here's the deal. Stay in school, do your homework, don't watch educational videos, and buy the time you get into a college, space travel will probably be common and astronauts will all lost their jobs anyway. Study hard and be one of the three previous listed things. Put your three options on slips of paper then pick one randomly out of a hat and focus on that for the rest of your life.

Well, I really must go. Remember, boys and girls, peer pressure hurts when your peers sit on you. E-mail me your questions. Thanks for your question and happy growing up, Wily the dunderhead.