Should I use a comb or a brush?

I got this email on my Blackberry while I was skydiving:

"Dear C. L. (your initials),

First of all, if you just happen to be skydiving, don't let me distract you too much or you might forget to open the parachute!

Having said that, I will now write some more.

I have a comb and a hairbrush, but I'm not sure which one to use. It seems like the hair brush is just an array of combs...

I have really long hair because I'm a girl and that's the way it's supposed to be. I dye it purple so that I will stand out because I'm not special otherwise. :( But with purple hair, I'm known as 'the one with the purple hair' and that makes me feel like I have achieved something... like, dying my hair.

Anyway, my friends use brushes, but I was watching Happy Days and there is a moment when Fonzie, who is just so cool, uses a comb, and I want to be cool like him.

Your friend,
Whitney Wombletonslowlysnow the purple-haired"

First of all, Fonzie is no longer cool, that's the old days. Today, House is cool, and he doesn't use a comb, he just lets his hair stay all messed up. So you should too if you care what other people think about you.

Even if you don't care what other people think about you, it's important to go ahead and start caring so you will have some friends who will give you presents on your birthday. Remember: no friends = no birthday presents. I learned this the hard way when one year I said to all my friends "you're not my friends anymore" and then I didn't get any birthday presents, except for the ones that I didn't want anyway, like chocolate cheese.

Alright, so... let's go over both combing and brushing and then I'll tell you what it's best to do.

Combing: People started combing hair in 4958 BC. All the sudden, it was a breakthrough, like fire, except it did not kill you if you fell into it. People started combing their hair all the time. It was also around this time that the first haircut occured when people started pulling each other's hair out while combing. You have to remember, combs back then were not made of plastic since plastic didn't be invented until 1942 or something. Combs back then were made of stone, and the teeth were so sharp that the first comb was also the first saw and nail file and fork and staple and sword. They had to comb hair really carefully because the tiniest little slip up and ... BOOM ... death.

Combing then kind of died down as people stopped combing their hair.

Then there was a revival in the 1870s because that's when there was a revival. Suddenly, combs were everywhere, only now they were made out of steel because this was the beginning of the industrial age, or close enough. Combs were produced in large amounts in factories and sometimes people's fingers would get stuck in the machines and then the fingers would become part of the comb. This is actually where the term teeth originates from... when a human fell into the machine, some combs were made with actual human teeth. It sounds gross to us nowadays, but back then they were use to it so it was like blowing your nose or eating oatmeal... it seems gross but it all depends on how you look at it.

Ok, enough about combs, let's go on to brushing:

Brushing: Brushing was invented by George Brush, a controversial man who was loved and hated by many. The year was probably 1938. Before that, there were no brushes, that is only a myth invented by museums to make more money, but I don't fall for it. I went into a museum once and they were lying about everything... they would say "this statues is 3000 years old" but then I would touch it and get my hands all over it, and it wouldn't feel that old. Anyway, brushes...

George Brush did not invent the hair brush, that's a common misconception and stupid. He invented the tooth brush, and people started using it for hair because they would bring it with them to hotels but they would forget their combs. Thus they just used the tooth brush. This also made hair smell minty and made it taste better too.

So, which one should you choose? I would use a combination... a combrush! What is it exactly, you ask? It's a combination, I already said that. Here's how it works: hold the comb in one hand and hold the brush in the other. Smash them together really hard. If nothing happens, get a friend to help or several friends. Eventually the atoms of both of the objects should morph together and form the combrush. This is similar to how they make mixed breeds of horses and dogs and people.

Eh-k, that's all for now. Toot-a-lou, or toot-a-bathroom as they say in America. Remember, you can email me your questions at lampshire@wizardwalk.com ... Remember boys and girls, the only wasted time is time that is spent doing something in which the time spent doing it is wasteful and don't do drugs. Thanks for your question, Whitney the dunderhead.

P.S. You shouldn't dye your hair, that's like setting a house on fire: it betrays the inner self. Your purple hair is like the fire of your passion for incompetence!