Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Will dogs evolve into humans?

I recently got this email from Gretel Grootel from Windsor. She writes:

"Dearest Christopher of the Lampshire clan,

I bring to you good greetings and good fortune and good tidings.

I have a question I would die of happiness if you answered, for you are the wisest of them all. My dog (named Foofoo Gumdrops the Third) likes to eat people food. My question is, if all the humans in the world started feeding dogs people food, would that help them evolve into humans? I'm no dumb-dumb head, I know it would still take thousands, if not millions of years, but I think it would be worth it since dogs do whatever you tell them and don't whine, and that's how I want people to be.

Please don't call me a dunderhead, I've got some self respect, eh-k?

God bless us, everyone,

Gretel and Foofoo the hopeful"

Oh, Gretel, why torture me with your existence? You better go check on Foofoo, she's probably dead from eating your salty french fries and chocolate covered raisins, because people food is like murdering a dog with poison, you complete and utter waste of atoms. Then again, I'm not sure what you consider people food since you are obviously not much like people.

Alright, let's talk about evolution. Evolution happens when mutants are born and get married and spread the mutant genes to make a new kind of living thing. Evolution is not based on diet, but you probably already knew that but just didn't want to think about it. Actually, it could be based on diet, but only if you ate something that was mutant, like a mutant banana or a mutant strawberry. The mutant-ness of the fruit could theoritically be dissolved into your bloodstream and be absorbed by your cell. When a cell splits in a process called nuclear fission, the mutant atoms of the mutant fruit will affect the DNA splitting and cause a mutant gene to be in you.

By the way, DNA stands for Dandy Nuclear Atoms.

Believe it or not, we probably all have a few mutant genes in us right now. Have you ever felt different? Have you ever felt special? Have you ever felt like there was no else like you in the world? That's a sign of the mutant gene. You're really not that special. (No offense if that is an epiphany for you.)

Now, how can dogs evolve in to humans? In short, they can't! Of course, they could theoritically, but in principle the opposite is true. Just think, if dogs evolve into people, what will people evolve into? Apes? Don't get me started on the scientific inaccuracies of Plantet of the Apes. Science fiction movies are so dumb sometimes. Anyway, intuition tells me that humans are actually done evolving. This is the end of the road of evolution. We are the goal of the universe. The only thing left to do is die out. That may seem like a pessimistic thing to say, but it's actually what's going to happen whether you like it or not, so you might as well start liking it. It's not inherently bad. That's like when people say "is the glass half full or half empty?" and the answer is suppose to make it easier for other people to judge you. But a half empty glass is a wonderful thing! I want to drink it! *drink drink drink*

Also, if you want humans to not talk back, just give them lobotomies. That might be illegal, so ask a lawyer for assistance.

Well, I am a bit tired from all this useless chatter... I have software to develop. Remember boys and girls, you can tease cars at crosswalks by walking really slow; it's fun. Email me your questions... blah, blah, blah. Thanks for your question, Gretel the dunderhead... (and your little dog too).