Thursday, November 30, 2006

What math course should I take?

Good day, mate! I got this in my email from a young lad, Bert Gepew from Miami. He wrote:

"Dear Mr. Lampshire,

Good morning! At least, it's morning here, but by the time you read this it might not be. Isn't that weird? Anyway, I have a question, and by the way, I like your blog, it's really far out and groovy dude. You're the bee's knees, as we cool kids say. I guess you would not understand, but hey, I gotta a question and I know you gotta a answer, you smart guy you!

Here's the question: what math course should I take in school? Here's the scenario: I just finished pre-algebra (or 'pre-al' as we cool kids say, or cool 'cats' as we sometimes call ourselves because we are just so cool), and my teacher said, "Wow, you got pretty good grades compared to all the other math grades in your life according to your permanent record. Next year you have a choice between taking Geometry, Algebra, and Ordinary Differential Equations. What do you want? Give me the answer soon, now get out of my classroom."

The problem is this: I don't know what the difference is between any of those! And since my Dad does all my math homework, I want him to have something that's easy to do yet will make me look smart to impress the ladies, knowhatimsayin'?

Also, here's another thing we cool youths say: Booyah! We got that off of TV. I am so cool.

Thanks a lot for all the service you do,

Bert the cool hip Miami dude.

P.S. Do you like basket ball, or 'b-ball' as I call it, because I am cool?"

Oh, somebody just tie me up to a railroad track and give all my money to the poor, you're so stupid! Firstly, no, you're not cool at all! Who do you think you are? America's youth is so dumb. Just watch Jay Leno's Jaywalking or the Oprah special on bad American schools... it all proves one thing: y'all so dumb! If you want to know the definition of cool, hang out with me and my Sims sometime and I'll show you the meaning of cool... in the meantime don't harass me with your condescending self-righteous definitions of what it is to be a cool cat... but you did get one thing right, I am the bee's knees... that's for sure. I'm all that and potato chips, and don't you forget it, you wee little punk.

Sorry, your stupidity made me go off topic for a while, let's get to the question: math courses. Alright, first I'll run through what these math courses are, then I'll tell you the best one for you to take, because you're too stupid to make such a decision on your own, as you've made apparent by your lack of consideration for my feelings when shoving your thoughts on what is 'cool' in my face like a three-year old that wants his shoes tied.

Geometry: it's the study of shapes. For example, a circle. You may say (and probably are saying) "Circles, they're round, what else is there?" Well, there's a lot actually. For example, what color is it? What is it's length? What are its dimensions? Do you know pi to a thousand places and got no grills but still wear braces? Also, triangles. Yes, you heard me, triangles. They are shapes to, and those are just two. Triangles have sine and cosine and tangible, and you multiply these things by numbers and get lengths and angles. It's all very hard and confusing, but of course not for me because I'm so smart. The point is: I don't have time to explain.

Algebra: Well, you're taking Pre-Algebra, right? Just take out the 'pre'. It's pretty much what you're doing now but with bigger numbers and the teacher won't let you use your calculator as much. Did you ever have to memorize the 12x12 multiplication table? Well, get ready to memorize the 20398420398x0324978039086 multiplication table. That's Numberwang! Are you scared? You should be, because you can't do it. Hardly anyone can. That's why most people fail, or the teacher just makes everything really easy so they don't get fired for failing everyone. But do you want to take the risk? Think about that, but not too much because you'll hurt your brain because you're so darn stupid.

Ordinary Differential Equations: This is definitely the one you'll want to take. It's easy! It just involves looking at ordinary equations and figuring out how they are different. I usually cross my eyes to make the images overlap and then I circle the differences. It's easy peasy one-two-threesy. Sometimes the differences are small, like the 2 is a little lopsided, or one is a different font, or one is upside-down, or one smells weird. But it's always easy to figure out and its not like you have to solve the equations!

Also, stop making your Dad do all your homework. You should have the experience for yourself because someday you might find yourself on Candid Camera answering math questions wrong because you didn't do your homework. I know, I know, you think it's just busy work, but let me tell you something. Many years ago when Americans fought the Revolutionary War, did they consider it busy work? No. What Noah built the ark, did he think it was busy work? Nope. When the RIAA sued people who copied music, did they just do it to stay busy? We'll never know, but the important thing is this: just because it might be busy work doesn't make it unworthy work, because it will still serve a purpose. I like to think of busy work as God's way of saying "Death is good."

We'll, that's the question for today. Remember, you can email me your questions at lampshire@wizardwalk.com ... I might answer it if I feel like it. Remember boy and girls, you can pretend you're stuffed animals are alive when you get lonely doing math homework. Have some fun, pretend to be the teacher of your stuff animals and experience how hard it really is to pretend to know something. Booyah! Thanks for your question, Bert the dunderhead!

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

How are you?

I got this question the other day when I walked into work:

"Hi Mr. Lampshire,

How are you?

From me, Phillip the polite jolly old chap."

Phillip, I'm fine, thanks.

Well, that's all for today. Remember boys and girls, and try not to forget. Thanks for your question, Phillip the dunderhead.