What is the best instrument?

Today's question comes from Peter Sterlingson from Alaska. He wants to know what instrument he should play in the marching band:

"Dear Mr. Lampshire sir,

My name is Peter Sterlingson. I have two dogs by the way. Anyway, now to my question. I hope to be in marching band this year! I signed the paper that said

'Do you want to be in marching band? If yes, check here *blank space* ... if no, throw this away.'

Well, I checked the box and got all excited but then I realized that I had a question in my mind that was unanswered: what instrument should I play? Instead of trying to decide for myself I want you to do it for me since you are an expert on this sort of thing I guess.

Thank you for your time!

Sincerely,

Peter the unsure."

Well, Peter, I can't believe you would even check that little box without thinking about the consequences. You had to make a decision about the future and you simply threw it up in the air as if you didn't care which I guess you didn't. Look, Peter, we all have decisions to make and you need to get your act together and start making them. However, I can understand your situation. Sometimes I go to the market and find myself saying "Oh, snap, what food should I buy?!" so it's not like I think you're extremely stupid, just moderately stupid.

Now let's analyze your choices. There are drums, but those are too noisy, so a big X on that! Brass = too noisy... X on that too! Then we have the string instruments and the woodwinds. Although the violin is a beautiful instrument, only really smart people can play them, and you're not one of them. For the violin, you need to start taking lessons when you are one years old. All the other string instruments are just resized violins, so forget strings. That leaves you with woodwinds, so play them.

I hope I have helped you, which I must have. Thanks for asking me a question, Peter the dunderhead!